Deux Semaines (Two Weeks) Page 11

thought she never loved me.

  I thought I was a love blind stupid little boy who fell for the girl who was too good for him and got taught a lesson. I loved her so much! My god I loved her, I loved her! I fucking loved - that - girl!”

  Jay beat his fist against the chair with every accented word. There was the sound of a crack in wooden arm of the chair and Jay said, “Shit, sorry.” wiggling it to see it was loose.”

  Terry remarked, “Hell with the chair Jay, keep going.”

  Jay released his jaw from being clenched as tightly as it was and said, “I had to wait this long living with shame and pain, to find out that she loved me just as much as I loved her to the day she died. After thinking about it, I realized that she died that weekend after I last talked to her. It all began to make sense to me. That's all I ever wanted it to do was to make sense!

  I ended up talking to Tristan again later on. Evidently Naeva, their sister and father were in a small plane that crashed on take off into the trees. It happened in northern Canada near Hudson Bay. I even found the story about it now that the internet is around.

  I also found out that Tristan’s a good guy, with a tragic past. I more or less told him what I’m going through, and it helped a little, but he was so young back then. I just don’t feel right talking to him about my issues. I just feel bad for him.

  I guess his Mom and him moved from their house after that happened and they never went back. I mean now it all makes sense to me, but I can’t get over how cheated I feel you know?

  Twenty years. It took that long to find out that I wasn’t wrong. I was right about everything. I wasn’t wrong about her! You know it's still hard for me to say that with conviction. I was not wrong about her, she really did love me with all of her heart, just like I always thought. There's part of me now that feels guilty for not having enough faith in her, as if it even matters now. I guess you can see why I'm a train wreck some of the time.”

  Terry nodded his head and said, “I get the fact you feel cheated, believe me I do, but isn’t it nice to know that you were right about her. I would think it would validate what you two had as something to be cherished instead suppressing it.”

  Jay grinned and said, “Touché, Misour therapist, well played. You do have a point, and yes, I am happy about being right. My anger comes more when I think about the amount of time I had to live with not knowing it, and all of the other things that go with it.”

  Terry nodded, “That I fully understand. Those other things that you mentioned. What are they?”

  Jay sat back in the chair again. He thought for a moment, “Hmmm. That is a good question. What am I battling with? I would have to say that’s hard to answer. It‘s a lot of little shit that all snowballs in to something big.”

  Terry asked, “Well, then ask yourself, “What drives me to the emotional outbursts? What things are going round and round in my brain? Some people would call these thoughts, their demons.”

  Jay grinned, “Oh not my demons, not them, I like those guys.”

  He chuckled and then replied seriously, “I’m avoiding the question. I know what you mean. I would have to say that my biggest problem now is “what if”? What if she didn’t die? What if I never looked for her name in cyberspace? What if I’d known back then, what really happened to her. Would I have been a different person? There is a huge possibility that I would have been a completely different man than I am now and made completely different decisions.

  Terry asked, “How so?”

  Jay replied, “I can tell without a doubt, that I became a changed person after that happened to me. People noticed it. I became more distrustful of women I dated. My self esteem was shot to hell so I didn’t take the same chances when meeting people. Now tell me that I acted the same way.”

  Then Jay smiled and said, “You do realize that I’m telling you the way I feel at my worst right. This is not the way I go through my day.”

  Terry said, “I’m used to that, and yes I understand. Let me ask you, a question. Do you have a belief that your life would have been perfect if Naeva would have lived?”

  Jay smiled and thought for a moment. “I would be lying if I said it didn’t cross my mind, after all you never really know, but I’m pretty sure I have a handle on the reality of that question.

  Face it, I’m a little too ripe to be lost in fantasy at my age. I’m aware of the fact that my memory of Naeva was of being “in love”. You know, that dizzy, dancing euphoria and happy feeling that you‘re in paradise? It’s almost its own brand of mental illness. I always said, if you could package a chemical that would make a person feel like that, everyone in the world would be an addict.”

  Terry smiled and said, “They’re called endorphins.”

  Jay leaned forward and jokingly whispered, “Bro, you got any of that shit? Hook me up..” to which Terry laughed. Then he looked at Jay seriously and said, “I’m glad you really do have a rational view of this. What you just said shows me that.”

  Jay nodded and remarked, “I know what it is to be in love. I felt much the same way about my wife when we first met. That may be a little hard to remember now, things being what they are. Things have been a bit tough lately, and the current state of marital problems don‘t help me with the “what if” question, that’s for damn sure. If anything, it fuels the fantasy even more.

  Yet looking back, My wife and I made a wonderful life together, I love her and we had fun crating the life we have now. I lived my dreams, love my kids and I am who I am.”

  Terry said, “That’s great. You really do possess a rational acceptance of the events that make up a rewarding life. Not everyone can do that. You’re also talking a lot differently than the guy who did a Bruce Lee on the arm of my chair a little while back.”

  Jay smirked, “Well as I said, you’re seeing me at my worst. God knows it feels good actually talking about it. I just have to find a way to stop being hit by these moments of sadness and anger. That’s hard to deal with.”

  Terry nodded, “That it is. That is one of the biggest problems with grief. No one likes it, it’s terrible, but it’s a process and you need to go through or it doesn’t end. I’m also sorry to say my friend, that you can’t rush through it either.

  What I would like you to do is keep track of the moments when the demons come. You can put it on paper, or your phone, whatever. Just make a journal, and bring it with you next time so we can talk about it, OK?”

  Jay nodded, “Sure. That seems easy enough.”

  Then Jay pulled his phone from his pocket and started playing with it. He said, “I know, we’re out of time and I don’t want to back you up with patients, but I need to show you one thing more.”

  Terry said, "Of course, what is it?"

  Jay replied, “I told you that I needed to tell the story and want to thank you for being an outstanding audience, but it wouldn’t be complete unless I showed you a picture.”

  Jay smiled as he looked down at his phone said, “I scanned this picture into my phone a few months back. It was a taken of Naeva during our second week together. I actually took it two days before she had to go home. It was getting close to sunset, and I told her I wanted to have a photograph of her to keep with me, so when I looked at it, it reminded me of being with her.

  She posed and smiled for a bunch of pictures, and when I had them developed, they all looked beautiful to me, but there was one picture that I took that stood out. It was the only picture I kept of her. I just couldn't let it go.

  That night we took the pictures, I said to her, “Do me a favor. When I say go, I want you to think of how much you love me and give me you warmest smile.” She agreed and I said “Ok, go.”

  This is that picture.”

  Jay turned his phone so Terry could see the picture on the screen. He said, "I thought it fitting to name the picture "Who are you?"

  Terry smiled at the comment and looked at the screen. As he did, Jay
saw Terry’s face go from the usual polite expression to an intense stare followed by a peaceful calm.

  “May I?” Terry asked reaching for Jay's phone. He examined the picture closely for a while, and handed the phone back to Jay saying, “They say a picture is worth a thousand words. This one leaves me speechless. I really mean that. You know that as tragic as things may seem to be, you were given a gift that some people only dream of. Remember that now that you’re remembering her. I’ll see you in a week ok?

  Jay put his phone back in his pocket and with a smile he politely said, “In a week then, see you Terry."

  Jay left the office and walked out into the warm summer day still holding the phone in his hand. As he sat down in his car, he opened his window and pulled up the image of Naeva still displayed on the screen. He spoke quietly under his breath and whispered, “I just wish you could speak to me just one more time. I wonder what you would say.”

  The familiar buzz of an incoming text startled him from the trance he was in. As he pulled it up, he saw it was from his wife. As looked at the screen, he smiled when he saw three words that